Karen H.
At about age 12, there were big changes with my oldest daughter. Although feeling "big" to me, these changes were the kind they tell you to expect with
your teenagers, things like being much more social, pushing and testing my limits about curfew, lying, etc. Within a couple of years, and much to my horror, she had progressed into skipping
school, smoking, drug use, unprotected sex, sneaking out (and sneaking boys in), staying out all night, running away, hanging out with known gang members...and well, I could go on, but I think
you get the point. My experience with the Children's Services system began when my daughter was 15 years old. In
order to better understand the next statement I make, you'll need to read the background information below. That statement is this:
I would NEVER recommend to anyone to file unruly charges against their child, as chances (in my opinion) are about 100% that if your child will be much worse off for it.
The Children's Services, as well as the law and other systems that were supposed to help, failed in our case, much to the
detriment of my daughter's life today (she was released from prison in Dec. 2007). I hope to help other parents avoid the mistakes I made by telling a bit of our story here.
By the time my daughter was 15, I had exhausted every means of trying to get help for her that I could think of. I'd called every
agency I thought could offer help, non-profits, churches, and for-profit business alike, believing that only a therapeutic, locked down situation would be able to help her at that point. The non-profits all told me they couldn't help until my daughter had a criminal charge (apparently their grant funding and missions are geared to helping kids that have already gone criminal). I applied for loans of up to $30,000 to try and get her into private programs, but could not get the loans.
One day, myself, my sister and my daughter went downtown to the Juvenile Court so that I could see what my options were as far as trying to get a criminal charge put on her for
being unruly. I was armed with a list of horrifying incidents I'd had with my daughter. I was desperate for help, so I wanted to be sure that bureaucracy did not miss the serious nature of the
problems I'd been having with her. It was clear when you saw the escalation of the circumstances on that list, of how great the dangers were that my daughter was exposing herself to. Although
testing me pretty good even before, she had just been on the President's Honor Roll a year before with a 3.8 grade point average, so it was pretty alarming to see the quick and dangerous decline.
At any rate, upon interviewing myself and my daughter, the man set a court date for me. I told him I didn't know yet if I even wanted
to press charges against her and that I needed time to think about it. He proceeded to tell me that he had already observed enough conflict between me and my daughter to be convinced that we would be unable to live together and
that he would be pressing charges of neglect against me if I did not go forward with the charges against her. I could not believe my ears!
Long story made short: My daughter was adjudicated guilty of being unruly, which, ironically enough, is not a
criminal offense (which, as you recall, was a barrier to my getting her help myself prior, and a prime reason I ever even went to the courthouse to ask questions in the first place). Where
the law is concerned, this is another huge failure of one of the crucial systems that could make a difference in our kids, attributable to conflicting references given in the law. The part
everyone adheres to is that you can't lock down a child for being unruly (as long as they don't leave the state - apparently doing that puts them in danger, whereas it's perfectly safe to wander
the streets within Ohio!?). They can't really punish them even if, when they leave, they are hanging out with gang members and at drug houses, even if they come into the group home as
high as they can be, or even if the girl has snuck boys into the group home and let them live in her room...all of which occurred with my daughter (and oh, so much more). At
first I thought this "group home" might be a good thing. I figured even if it wasn't me teaching her how to do it, at least she'd be forced into schooling and gaining important life skills to be
better prepared to live on her own (since she'd made it clear that she was not going to remain in my home), as their program mission declared was their purpose. Turns out, they required
nothing of her, enforced no
program requirements and allowed her to AWOL for weeks at a time, over and over, many times never notifying me of same or even filing a police report, and returned with no consequences to her. Daily I was in contact with 2 caseworkers, 2 supervisors and caregivers trying to get them to help my daughter attend to her schooling, urgent medical needs, requiring her to adhere
to their own program standards. ALL along the way I was treated as an abusive, neglectful parent. Everyone approached you that way, so with each person, you'd have to explain your story, explain
that wasn't the case. Most would still not believe you, some would, but would explain over and over that the system was taxed and they really weren't set up to handle "these type of kids" and
that even if they were, the law was just not on our side. It was such
a battle, and so emotionally trying for a parent who, all along, had been trying to do nothing but get some help for her intelligent, but wayward child. What did they do for her?
They simply released her to the streets, as she'd been fighting me for the whole time. She learened to work the system and learned they were not about to give up the big money they get for her
being there by kicking her out of their program for non-compliance. I was devastated, but I never gave up. Finally, they made her get her GED and addressed the very urgent medical problems
(mostly brought on by her risky behaviors). At least it was something. That is the sentiment I was left with by the time my daughter finally AWOLed from there for the last time (at
age 17), that and a deep feeling of betrayal. I still can't believe the system fails these unruly youth, these near future leaders of our city. It is a shame and a disgrace that these
beautiful lives are allowed to be stolen by the streets, and only for the temporary stupidity of youthful indiscretions.. It's a scary prospect, but now I believe that it may have
been better for me to use a tough love approach with my daughter. I believe we live in a world with broken systems and many temptations to lure our teens, and many valid reasons for parents to be
fearful. One thing that I have learned the hard way though, is that reacting to your teen out exclusively of fear for their future, is the wrong
way to go. If I could do it all over again, I would only react to my daughter out of love. I'd set the house rules and tell her up front which ones would cause her to lose the privilege of living at home if she violated them, and what the consequences would be of breaking the others. Then, as hard and terrifying as it would be, including being under threat of arrest for neglect myself (which I was told I would be if I made her leave my home on my own), I'd enforce those rules
out of love for her. I feel this might have caused her to mature more along the lines as she should have.
Having a system she could "work" to the extent that she did to get crucial services only when she felt she needed them definitely hindered
her growth. She learned to be a user, a thief and a sneak because of what they allowed her to do, eventually helping to lead her down a quick and sure path to prison. Now, at nearly 20, and having to try and begin to build her life anew, she still doesn't quite "get it", although I see signs here and there of her
wanting to, so I consider that hope. I believe that God has a plan for her, and I have faith that He will see it through.
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